To address Men’s Health Month in a meaningful way, I sat down with James Fairman, our General Manager of Operations QLD, for a raw, honest chat about his mental and physical health journey. I am so grateful he was so raw and real with us, but please be aware that his story may be triggering for some and I urge you to proceed with caution.
James shares a journey of pivotal moments that touch on loss, grief, bullying, and the lessons learned along the way. In his words, “Mentally and physically, my story has a journey behind it. Sharing it helps me keep going. If even one person finds something in it that helps them on their own path, that’s everything.”
James’ story with mental health started young. He was a scrawny kid who moved around a lot because of his dad’s job in the Air Force. Every two years, he would find himself in a new place and a new school. It taught him how to make friends quickly, but also meant he was an easy target for bullying. Year 7 brought the worst of it and pushed him into a dark place. High school was better; he stayed at one school throughout and found some stability and routine. But the bullying didn’t stop completely. Even teachers sometimes joined in, which is hard to believe.
James says he isolated a lot and found his own ways to escape. He used to ride his bike for hours through bushland and threw himself into playing hockey. Being appointed co-captain of the school hockey team brought with it some social protection, and he found joy in playing the sport and being with his teammates.
University was a big turning point. James was studying mechanical engineering and not enjoying it. He had been skipping classes, was unprepared for upcoming exams, and felt like he was spiralling. One day he had a panic attack. His doctor told him he was depressed, handed him a prescription, and told him to return in a week.
“What am I doing? I don’t want to take this and potentially be on it forever.”
James remembers standing outside the chemist and asking himself, “What am I doing? I don’t want to take this and potentially be on it forever.” So, he went home instead and decided to make changes in his life. He leaned into his sport, his mates, and left uni to work in pubs and clubs. Although he wasn’t where he had imagined being in his life by that point, he felt more free-spirited and more himself. Then came the hardest moment of his life at the age of 24.
James went to pick up his best mate Mark and found him on the back deck. Mark had taken his own life. As James ran towards him, he said everything became so lucid in that moment that he still remembers details of where the bullets lay and how the air felt. James still feels like a part of his soul left his body that day. They were so close. Mark was like a brother, and they had been inseparable as friends.
James grieved deeply. He lost 16 kilos in the four weeks after Mark’s death. James now sees this as a pivotal moment in his journey, as he knew he had to do something else with his life. The experience triggered a lot of learnings on mental health and how to support others. He spent a lot of time with his godfather, who guided James through his grief and gave him two key pieces of advice that James still reflects on and uses today; 1. It’s ok for you to feel the way you feel. Be happy, be sad. The journey is yours alone. 2. You will go through highs and lows. Initially, they will be close together. Eventually, they will be more spaced apart, and one day you will notice they will flatline.
Years later, James split from his first wife after only 11 months of marriage. He was struggling. He worked in aged care at the time, and the mental impact was affecting how he managed his team. Close to mental breakdown, he credits the support from his employer and their EAP for getting him the help he needed. He was equipped with tools for resilience that have helped him since.
This year is 20 years since Mark passed. James realises that he hasn’t had a ‘blip’ in two years, and he bounces back more quickly these days. He now only remembers his best friend for all the good, and not how he died. James now spends more time on things that bring joy. These are all the things we all know are good for us but forget to give space to in our lives.
He loves gardening and landscaping, planting flowers, mowing, mulching, building. He says he always has home projects on the go, and it gives him purpose. He spends time playing with his six-year-old and says it “brings warmth to his heart instantly.” His wife always plays music in the house, and he now finds himself listening more and feeling more peaceful when music is on.
A few years ago, James had a health setback. He suffered a perforation of his bowel and was hospitalised. He was in and out of hospital over many months until he had an operation to remove part of his bowel. He had to change a lot in his lifestyle as a result. What he ate and drank, what he could do physically, and how he socialised. The tools he learnt on resilience meant he stayed more upbeat about the changes he had to make.
“People don’t need questions or advice when they’re hurting. They just need someone to listen, absorb, and take it in.”
When he was bullied as a child, James struggled to speak up. A turning point came for him when Mark died. James says what helped him most was simply talking. Not holding it in. Not waiting for the perfect moment. Just opening up and being heard. “People don’t need questions or advice when they’re hurting,” he says. “They just need someone to listen, absorb and take it in.” James credits his willingness to talk openly about his experience and what he saw with why he does not suffer PTSD from Marks death.
James says he tried to lead his team the same way. “I listen, and I support my team by giving them the opportunity to take time to enjoy what they love. Be that a round of golf or going to see a friend who is struggling, I let them make that space for what brings them joy. I also use a lot of the tools made available by Infinite Care. Appellon, for example, helps in building tools for resilience and being aware of how others are impacted. Most of all, I give them time when I see they need it.”
One message he wants to share in closing, “No matter how hard or painful something feels, we are never alone. We choose to be alone. Have the confidence to share your story”.
Need Support?
Lifeline 13 11 14
Free, confidential crisis support and suicide prevention services available 24/7.
Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636
24/7 support for anxiety, depression, and suicide prevention. Use whatever works for you whether it’s a phone call, chat, or forums
Written by Sarah Luckhardt, National Marketing Manager
